I’ve been going through a bit of a rough time with myself. I’ve been falling out of my better habits, picking up bad ones again, being a piece of shit despite what I set out to do with my life. I don’t know what it is that keeps me coming back to repeating the same bullshit, but here I am.

I feel like a lot of that is because I feel weak willed. Or I just fell out of this momentum and then entered back into a personality I tried so hard to fend off.

Fluster is a way for me to kind of take all of those feelings and throw them into something. Fluster is scared for his life and is always on the run from something. He’s been put into a undesirable situation against his own will, and constantly has his own moral compass put to the test. He trusts no one, because he can’t understand everyone else. He only feels that he can only understand himself, and he’s even horrible at that. He’s caught in a constant spiral of misery and he feels that there is absolutely no hope for himself.

It’s that fear for life and that lack of hope that he has that ironically enough enables him to function how a soldier later on is supposed to function. Once he let go of the fact that there is no hope for himself, he knew that the only thing he could do was go along for the ride, even if it meant breaking his moral compass. In his universe, he winds up out living most soldiers he ever comes into contact with. Everyone is willing to fight for honor and glory, but he holds no sentiment to such concepts. He just wants to live.

I can’t say that I relate to Fluster 100%, but I always feel like I’m running from something. Something that Anthony Boudain had said once really resonated with me. “It’s like I’m always trying to outsmart this enemy inside of myself. The one that wants to smoke all day, sit around and watch cartoons. I feel like my life is a constant strategy to try and outwit that guy.”

This kind of connects with the last post, but yea iunno. Sorry for dumping my thoughts here guys. You’re all literally the last line I have before I just bottle this all up. It’s been really hard to want to open up to anyone recently.

Anyway, I do hope you at least enjoy the Fluster!